By: Ptr. Joselito Chua
(United Bethel Church)

A group of singles were asked this question, “What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of being single?” These were some of the answers given:

Advantages:
- It doesn’t matter how long you leave your smelly workout clothes in the backseat of your car.
- You don’t have to wait for someone to get dressed and be late for work or an appointment.
- No one will bug you and tell you how slow you are.
- Mobility and freedom
- Privacy

Disadvantages
- There’s no one to help you zip up the back of your dress.
- No one meets you at the airport when you return from an out of town trip.
- Most coupons say, “Buy one dinner, get one free.” Great. What are you going to do with two dinners?
- Loneliness
- The dating grind

Which would you prefer then, to be single or be married? Let me share with you some myths regarding being single.

Myth 1: Single = Aloneness = Loneliness
First, we need to differentiate aloneness from loneliness. Aloneness is the physical state of being separated from other people. Loneliness is an emotional state of feeling disconnected from other people, a sense of being and yearning to be in relationship with others. Loneliness is not directly dependent on the presence of people. One can be alone and not be lonely. On the other hand, one can be surrounded by people and still feel very lonely. Singleness itself does not cause loneliness. There is no direct relationship between the two. After all, many married people are lonely, and many singles are not.

Myth 2: Finding the right person will solve all your problems (including loneliness)
It is easy to confuse a desire for close personal relationship with a need for a specific someone to bring you life satisfaction. Finding contentment does not have to be based on having a marriage partner. If you believe this myth, life becomes one long and often frustrating search for Mr. Perfect or Miss Wonderful. This myth is based on two erroneous ideas, namely; that there can be only one “right person” for you; and finding that person will give your life meaning and total fulfillment.
We must recognize that loneliness is not solved by marriage. Somebody who is lonely when single might end up still lonely when married. We must not look at marriage as a solution to loneliness. All of us, single or married, need to have a sense of identity with Christ that doesn’t depend on our relationships with other people. Otherwise, a marriage partner is simply there to fill a void and hide our true emptiness.

Myth # 3: I am not a whole person unless I have a partner or spouse.
Whether we ever say so out loud or not, many of us feel incomplete as single persons. One love song has lyrics that says that the singer “can’t go on” if he’s on his own, without somebody to call his own. We need to say to ourselves, “I am complete alone, not a half looking for another half or a melody looking for a harmony.” Understand that singleness is not defectiveness. Marriage does not make a female a real woman not does it make a male a real man.


The Truth: Our security and wholeness comes through a relationship with God.
Only when I am whole in Christ will I be ready to join a lifetime commitment with someone else. I cannot go into marriage expecting this person to make me whole. It is unrealistic! A mate will certainly enhance our lives, but not fill the void. Is it fair to expect anyone to accomplish a task as big and important as that? God’s ideal is for us to be whole as individuals. Then when we marry, we marry already whole. Our mate simply adds to our life, instead of becoming our life. When we make God the center of our lives, he brings the fulfillment and security we need. Then when we marry, we do so as two whole people enhancing the lives of each other.


Single minded devotion and commitment to God
There is truth to the assertion that happiness is having someone to love you. It’s just that the world has the wrong someone in mind. No human relationship can fill that God-shaped vacuum that lies inside us all. As St. Augustine said, “We were made for God himself and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in Thee.” David says, “In Your presence, there is fullness of joy; in Your right hand, there are pleasures forever.” (Psalm 16:11)
Until we acknowledge that we are made first and foremost for God and that in Christ we have been made complete (Col. 2:10), we will quite naturally fall into the world’s trap of seeking our fulfillment in a relationship with another person. And a relationship built on that basis will leave us disappointed as we see that person fail.
When we try to find ultimate fulfillment in another person, we have a tendency to try to “get” from a relationship. We ask the question, ‘How can you meet my needs?’ By way of contrast, a Christian truly fulfilled in Christ is able to “give” in a relationship because his most basic needs have already been met by his relationship with God. In his love and timing, God brings into union two people who are looking to him for their ultimate fulfillment. And two people who are seeking to give, not get, spell out a good marriage in large letters.

Delight yourself in the Lord
Some of us see Christian commitment only as a means to an end. The subconscious thinking goes, “If I love God enough, maybe he’ll give me a spouse.” This is how many of us interpret Psalm 37:4, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” We tend to think, ‘Well, the desire of my heart is to get married. So if I delight myself in the Lord, he will give me someone to marry.’ This approach is misguided because it makes our love for God conditional and we make him to be Santa. Delighting in Christ brings desires for Christ. He gives the heart its desires --- His will becomes what we will, and we can ask for that will, if we delight ourselves in Him. Only then can our desire be attained when it is His desire.

Delighting in the Lord transforms the desires of our hearts and shows us what God would desire for us. God is calling us to find a deeper fulfillment in him --- not by fulfilling our own desires, but by discovering His. Seek God’s purpose for your life and pursue it with uncompromising commitment. We are to give God our best and pursue excellence in daily life. Commit yourself to becoming the person God wants you to be, single or married. God desires to ingrain His image in the wood of your character, not so much to prepare you for your partner, as to prepare you for life.

We are to focus on becoming the person you believe God wants you to become now. It is foolish to wait for that person to come along before growing and developing personally in important areas. No one person can guarantee satisfaction, happiness, or self-fulfillment for another. Single adults need to realize that the more secure they are as single, the better off they will be in terms of their preparation and potential for marriage. Be secure while you’re single then you will be merry when your married.

Just a FOOTNOTE: The next time someone asks you this question, “Why aren’t you married yet?” Here are some possible answers:
- You haven’t asked yet.
- I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
- What? And spoil my great life?!
- Because I just love hearing this question.
- Just lucky, I guess.
- It gives my mother something to live for.
- I’m waiting until I get to be your age.