(What to do when a relationship is over?)
By: Cristina Dy (UECP)

Some of us had our share of disappointments and failed relationships. The initial reaction is usually confusion. There are questions of “why?” and “what went wrong?” but then no explanation really satisfies when the heart is aching.

There’s no quick fix to a broken heart. There’s no one-for-all solution as well. It takes a long time, for some even a lifetime, to heal. But healing is possible and picking up the pieces can be sooner with the following tips:

Grieve all you can, but do not grieve forever.
There is usually a sense of loss when a relationship fails – loss of a dream together, loss of invested time and emotions, loss of a piece of yourself. Cry, wail, get away if you must but only for a limited time. Life goes on, and so must you.

Unload the burden in your heart.
Often than not, there is a need to make sense of what happened, to process your thoughts and emotions. To have someone to talk to and listen is a big help. While the initial urge can be to seek out a kakampi (someone to side with you), it’s best to look for someone who will be objective and not pass judgment. This requires a person with maturity, emotionally and spiritually. The last thing you need at this point is an accomplice to nurture feelings of self-pity, bitterness, anger, and revenge.

Accept the reality.
Admit it. A part of you silently hopes for reconciliation. But when none is forthcoming, face it and accept it. Stop dwelling on past memories. Fill your thoughts with God’s word and promises instead. If you keep looking back at the closed door, you’ll make very little progress to recovery.

Acknowledge God’s sovereignty.
Realize that nothing touches you without passing through God’s loving hands. And if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it. Find peace and comfort in the knowledge that God’s view is wider, His purposes are higher, and His ways are better than yours.

Decide to move on and do it!
You must make a concerted decision and effort to move on. It will not just happen. You have to make it happen. Take the necessary steps to make the healing process easier and faster for you. It may require removing anything that reminds you of him/her, staying away from romantic films or even from places where you’re likely to bump into each other.

Keep occupied.
Idle minds and hands can give way to unhealthy thoughts resulting to pangs of loneliness and emptiness. This, however, is not an excuse to jump quickly into new relationships to cover the gaping hole in your heart. The best cure to sadness and loneliness is to focus on others rather than yourself. Engage in social work, outreach ministries, volunteer your time and skills in a worthy cause, then fulfillment and joy will soon find their way. It’s a strange way of rewarding yourself by giving a little of yourself. It’s how God designs the law of giving. Try it!

Count your gains than losses.
Discouragement is the devil’s most effective tool. He will plant lies in your mind that everything is lost. But no, not everything is lost. Lessons are learned and mistakes can be avoided in the future. You’ve probably been spared from further and future heartaches. You have more freedom, more space for personal growth, and more time for yourself and other important people in your life. You become stronger, wiser, and mature as a result of your experience.

Forgive.
Unless you forgive, you’ll never be completely free. This includes forgiving others and yourself. Sometimes, a person appears to have moved on outwardly but inwardly had not. When you still think, speak, and react with bitterness to the person in your past, you have not emotionally moved on. Forgiveness is necessary. Ask God to help you forgive. He’s the Master of forgiveness. When we let go of the ‘ego’ in us, and admit our own sinfulness, we’ll realize we have no right at all not to forgive.

Defeats and disappointments are inevitable because we live in an imperfect world, with imperfect people. But our bad experiences need not be wasted. They can be lessons for us and for others as well. They can be opportunities, too. It can be God’s way of calling our attention, to pause, to experience Him in a personal way. It’s definitely a wake-up call to His sovereignty and our own helplessness, a reminder of our dependence on Him.

So, what to do when a relationship is over? It’s a good time to grow in our relationship with the Lord.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. - Psalm 34:18, 147:3