by: Hansel David Co
(Glory Evangelical Church/ UEC Baguio)

Je t'aime. Ich liebe dich! Ai shite ru. Phom rak khun! Sounds familiar? Well how about this? Wo ai ni! These are just some of the numerous translations in different languages of one of the most popular and most said phrases around the world: I LOVE YOU. We’ve uttered it to our parents, our friends, our spouse, our co-workers, our children, and most importantly, to our personal Saviour up there.
But no matter how important this phrase is, there are lots of instances when we tend to abuse this expression resulting to the wrong notion that showing our love just involves saying it and everything will be understood.
According to Dr. Gary Chapman, a noted Christian counsellor and author, there are five different ways that people show, feel and understand emotional love and he called these the “Five Love Languages”. And each person has their own primary love language in which they best feel loved. Although being sincere to our loved ones is important, it is not enough. We have to discover their primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of our love towards them.

• Words of Affirmation

Admit it. Wouldn’t you like it if someone complimented you on your appearance? It can certainly boost our self-esteem in more ways than one. Complimenting or giving encouragement to our loved ones may be simple and can easily be done regularly; but most of the time, the fact remains that we are likely to forget to do it because of other preoccupations.
Verbal appreciation is very important to persons whose primary love language is “Words of Affirmation” because it gives them confidence and may help them overcome any insecurities. Hearing that we look good or we did a really good job in a church project can do wonders for our confidence. Even complimenting our mothers on their excellent cooking will almost guarantee yummy food on our next meal.

• Quality Time

In this very busy world, this love language can easily be overlooked. In our desire to advance our careers and get ahead of everyone in a rat race, we often overlook that spending quality time with our loved ones is very important in enhancing a relationship further. Just spending time with and being near a person doesn’t automatically equate to quality time. A father playing “mahjong” and attempting to talk to his son about his homework is certainly not an ideal picture.
Quality time means being able to focus and give our undivided attention to our loved one. Having quality conversations can add tons of goodwill to a relationship because it allows us to know their thoughts, feelings and desires and, in the process, enables them to feel loved by us. A couple can do activities that they both enjoy doing such as cooking together while having a meaningful chat. Or a mother can spend time with her son by attempting to complete a jigsaw puzzle together is a significant step in strengthening a relationship.

• Giving and Receiving Gifts

It is universal in human cultures to give and receive gifts since the earliest times. Even the three kings had presents for Jesus when they visited Him in Bethlehem. Gifts don’t have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love. People who consider this their primary love language will feel neglected and unloved should there be lack of gifts from their various relationships.
Among the five love languages, I believe this is one of the easiest to learn and appreciate. Our being Chinoy gives us the natural inclination to gift giving and receiving. From courtship to the marriage stage, from the angpao’s to the le kwan’s, gifts have been an integral part of our culture. Gift giving to our loved ones is actually easy if we are of a generous nature but if we believe in saving and investing, we might find that spending money to express our love may be unorthodox. But we have to realize that if this helps to deepen and improve our relationships, then why not?

• Acts of Service

At some point in our lives, we have somehow someway done some chores or helped around the house. Although chores are generally simple, doing something for your loved one should not be mere obligation; it needs to be done out of our love for that person. And that involves taking time and effort to be creative in our act of service. Doing the laundry or vacuuming the house may be easy but if it is done out of necessity or guilt, and with much grumbling, then it defeats our purpose of doing something special from our heart.
Doing any act of service is sometimes not enough. It’s best to carefully know what our loved one will truly appreciate. We can’t just perform any task and expect them to feel loved already. For instance, in our Chinoy culture, our parents will be pleased if we are willing to ko tiam and it’s up to us to have the right mindset how to help them out wholeheartedly and not because we are required to.

• Physical Touch

Ever experienced hurting yourself when you were still a child and all you needed during that moment was a big hug from your parents? Well apparently, a lot of people speak this love language. Physical touch is important because our body has lots of nerves and touching them the right way feels good. For some couples, sometimes just stroking your loved one’s back, holding each others hands or giving a kiss on the cheek will fulfill this need.
But we should also be careful because not all kinds of physical touch are welcome. A son may not appreciate being hugged tightly by his mother in public for fear of being labelled as “mama’s boy”. Or a girl might be irritated every time her boyfriend puts his heavy arm around her because it’s tiring on her shoulders. Thus, it’s important to learn what the right physical touch they will appreciate.

My brothers and sisters in Christ, simply proclaiming our love to a person very special to us isn’t enough because love can be simple and yet, very complicated at the same time. Ironic, isn’t it? That’s why we really need to give time and effort to know which love language our loved ones feel an affinity to so that they will appreciate our love more and our relationship with them will certainly be more fulfilling.